"His Messiah, Ben Jones, starts off as a lonely alcoholic bachelor living in a filthy apartment. He survives a horrific work accident, but strange things then happen that lead to him being recognized as the Messiah. Ben also smokes pot, has sex with a prostitute and makes out with men."
James Frey works in YA now, so he stole the plot of his ulllllllltrasubversive new novel from the back of an angry high school sophomore’s Five Star bio notebook. Next up: a book of love poems transcribed from the Sharpie markings on selfsame student’s favorite jeans and Converse.
If this doesn't work, I'll throw chairs like Bobby Knight
No one worry that the mass introductory email I just sent to my bowling team wasn’t really awkward and weird and jokey and alienating. It was all of those things, I nailed it: no one will be able to look me in the eye so they will have to concentrate on the pins. It’s strategy.
Insulting Things to Say to People About Their Jobs
When you’re in publishing, people sometimes react to this news like you told them you were thinking of trying out for the school play. “Publishiiiiiiing?! Ohmygod, that sounds so fun. I’d love to read all day,” they might exclaim, or, “Publishing?! Ugh, I would love to quit my job and wriiiiite.” I actually don’t do those things, but thank you for your interest! It’s too bad your work ethic is SO GOOD that you have to stay at your boring job while I have imaginary fun all day.
I combat this by being willfully oblivious about all other jobs:
"Ohmygod, you’re a scientist? I got an A in college bio, if you ever have any questions."
"You’re a priest? I look great in black!"
"Oooo, architecture. I’d love to look at old buildings all day, but I worrrrrrrrrk."
"A lawyer, huh? I negotiated my own lease and ever since I’ve been thinking of checking out law school. Like, for a laugh."
"You’re an accountant? I LOVE calculating tips. I’m like, let me at ‘em! 20%!"
"A commercial airline pilot? I totally dabbled in that! I don’t like to brag, but when I was 8, a pilot saw my potential and gave me a special pair of "wings." What do you mean, ‘Do I still have the pin?’ What pin?"
"You’re a psychologist? People tell me I’m really easy to talk to! Maybe I should counsel people on weekends. I totally got my friend Cindy to stop drinking diet cola. Full stop."
"You’re in finance? I robbed my grandmother! She hated it, but I was all, ‘Business is business, you old bag.’"
"Oh mannn, fashion design. I always loved dressing my Barbies. Sometimes I made them paper bag clothes! Everyone said they had really nice lines."
"Ooo, did I hear you’re a chef? I make this salsa you HAVE to try. You just mix Velveeta and a can of — oh, I don’t want to give it away."
"An engineer? I had Kinex as a kid — I built a Ferris Wheel!"
"You’re a computer programmer? I have a Twitter! I programmed it to have a realllllllly cute background. It’s me with a dog. Not my dog. But so cute."
"You’re a doctor? Sometimes on weekend I catch frogs and do tiny surgeries on them. One has 18 legs! I call him Hop-A-LOT Cassidy! Haha, we laugh, but he can’t move."
Some prominent anti-gay activists are vehemently opposed to homosexuality because they think it’s an abomination and a sin and they have hate in their hearts and whateverwhatever run-of-the-mill awfulness that awful people think, but other prominent anti-gay activists are vehemently opposed to homosexuality because when gay people have sex, it never results in sexy little babies to jerk off to in your van. Waste of time!
I cannot wait for the ROMCOM. I imagine montages where Annie is practicing her jazz hands in the mirror for hours, running laps up the giant stage stairs, sewing her own costumes, and shining each Oscar individually by hand, all while sweating profusely and James Franco is napping and wakes up and says, “Oops, I dreamt a student film. Oops, I coughed up a short story. Oops, I pooped a magazine interview.”
Has Charlie Sheen opened the door to an alternate universe where there are no psychiatric hospitals? Why is he not constantly being carted away to sit in a white room and get medicated every time he shows up on morning show set? It seems irresponsible that they are even taping him for televised viewing and not using the whole “guest on a talk show” thing as an elaborate ruse so that Martin can come out from behind a curtain and Jamie Spears the situation.