At first I was excited because I thought they meant a whole episode centered around Heather Morris’s character Brittany and my brain actually said, “OMG, SO ON BOARD!!,” but then (and how did I not notice the spelling discrepancy because obviously) I discovered they meant the illustrious Ms. Spears and my brain was like, “DAMN GURL I AM STILL SO ON BOARD.” Who will get to sing Lucky?!? I know it will be Rachel but can’t it be Kurt? “Cause he cry cry cries in his lonely heart.
“I thank God today that that man never made a pass at me. He was a good-looking brother, I would have given the dude a shot. I could have been one of those women, you know, I might not be here today.”—Cynthia Banks, neighbor of the “Grim Sleeper” killer. She continued, “Let me tell you, DAYUM. The things I would have done to that man… Mmmm-mmmm!” There but for the grace of huh?! Is that really what you want to say to CNN, lady?
I am trying to make a list of all of the VERY IMPORTANT stuff I have to do tomorrow when I behave like a person (tax forms, haircut, buy stamps, other stuff who knows I still haven’t made the list) so I opened up my “stickies” to actually compose said list somewhere other than in my head, and I found the following all-lowercase thought. I must have had this thought recently about New York, and then written it down so as to never forget that I feel this way:
"sometime i feel like i am sitting in my apartment but outside i am surrounded by people gouging one another’s eyes out in total blackness."
This manages to be more paranoid than my favorite voice message I ever left myself (“I feel like I live on an island of vibrating strings and all of the strings are vibrating so much that I think I’m standing still but really I am a vibrating string myself.” What?!? I live in Brooklyn.) In other news I almost just had a panic attack because FreshDirect wouldn’t load and I forgot to order jam. Thanks New York!
A third interview by MEEEEEEEEEEEE. So please read it because I would do the same for you nice internet people. The word I came up with but did not use for Warren the Ape is “Celebreaparody.” I know, it is such a good one.
I had margaritas and coconut cake and a lower alcohol tolerance than I remembered for lunch. Happy last day, me!
So I don’t know exactly why I am getting a ton of hits from a website about drift racing (Hi Ziptied.com! If I had racing needs I would come to you all the time!) and other car related business but I am SO down with it. In honor of my speedy visitors, here is an awesome jam you maybe don’t like so much. I think the magical synergy of me being personally really, really bad at driving and you dudes loving it could work out super well. Who wants to give me a ride?
Guys, I am a nail polish name machine. I don’t want to brag, but we could be set through 2012, when cities fall into the Fiery Orange Ocean and we’re all washed away by a tidal wave in Doomsday Blue (both Spring 2012 collection). Here are my proposals for the winter 2010 line:
Whoopsie! Head On Collision (Silver)
Blue-limia (Blue with flecks of Green)
M.R.S. Degree (Navy)
Wanna Split a South Beach Bar? (Orange)
Consumer Princess (Sparkly Green)
Daddy’s Credit Card (Gold)
Lo-Cal, No-Cal (Top Coat)
Reality Show Hot Tub Make Out (Taupe)
Old Maid (Black)
I Dress My Cats Up Like Babies And Feed Them From Bottles And Then I Cry (Light Blue)
“As Jeffrey Hicks, the event safety coordinator for the Renaissance Festival finished posting the revised standards for weaponry, he thought of the day an unleashed dog wandered onto the jousting field, causing the rider from Indianapolis to stop short, impaling himself on the butt of his spear, and the following day’s newspaper headline which read: “Stray Injures Indy Knight, Hicks Changing Lances.”—Brad Taylor, Iowa City, IA. Runner Up in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (for bad writing) in the category of “Vile Puns.” But first place on my personal, aortically-located leaderboard (which ranks AMAZING PUNS). Read it aloud a few times; you’ll get it and be amazed.
I know, I know. This totally falls under "Getting Crazy." But I'm pretty sure we should be, like, BFFs. And as your would-be BFF, this is the sort of thing I have to tell you no matter what.
Dude, in so much as you actually posted my favorite song yesterday (and ceterea), I will say I’m totally on board. Let’s BFF the hell out of this.
Broken AC means work is canceled! I am going to make heatmen out of all the accumulating heat! And heat angels (this is means me passing out on the subway due to heat stroke and falling onto the tracks).
Suggested out of office replies, by Jen, our lady of post-its:
Our office is closed for the day due to being ON FIRE Our office is closed for the day because, even though we have a functioning air conditioning unit, the rest of the floor doesn’t and we are jumping on the “leaving work” bandwagon Our office is closed for the day, deal with it